What do I say?
When I walk into a room of people—team meeting, social gathering, family—I always wonder who I’ll connect with and what will I say . . . and how they’ll react?
A few walk in confident, but for most of us we have an anxiety level somewhere between mild to high. A few people who would just rather find a corner, become invisible, and fade into the woodwork.
But most of us want to know how am I coming over? I’m thinking to myself, when I leave this team meeting/social gathering/family event/ will the people who even remember that I was there think of me as
- Well-spoken
- Intelligent
- interesting
- A contributor
- A person they were glad to be around?
But here’s the sticking point. I’m moving through the group using my best interpersonal relations skills . . . . I’m giving everyone high fives, cracking jokes, asking about family, feeling good, and connecting well.
THEN . . . I hear a voice in a small group, rising above the rest, a commanding and authoritarian voice. A group is gathered around that person, some listening silently, others nodding their heads in agreement, while others seemingly doubtful.
The person I hear is intensely advocating a position I’ve heard before—and I know it’s dead wrong and downright dangerous. I know it’s harmful to everyone listening and to the organization.
My first impulse is that I feel invincible, like Captain Marvel, a superhero arrived just in time to save the day and to state the needed truth. I’ll take this self-appointed expert down with my verbal superpowers. I’ll save the day . . . I’ll be a hero. Everyone will appreciate that I have stepped in and stated the truth with flawless, irrefutable logic that other people were afraid to give and will appreciate my stepping in.
At this point I ask myself, “Didn’t I try this before?
“Well, yes.”
“So how did it turn out?”
“Hmm. Not well.”
“What happened?”
“Instead of winning everyone over, the group kind of turned against me. The person speaking kept espousing their viewpoint, and I never got mine across.”
“So, Captain Marvel, are you still going to take on our outspoken opinion giver?
“Maybe not. Is there another way I can save the day?
So how do I get a positive outcome from a situation like this?
Here are some tips:
- Understand the Playing Field—We’re on the Same Team. The person speaking may be wrong, but they are deeply committed to what they believe and they want the same kind of credibility and respect that I do. They may have chosen a poor setting to commandeer a crowd and to make a mini-speech, but my stepping in as the verbal superhero will polarize the group and keep us from moving forward together.
- Get Outcomes, Not Wins. I find that people in organizations fall into two groups that can keep an organization from moving forward. One is the passive group who believe that lack of taking a firm stand will preserve group harmony, even though there are no outcomes.
Then there is the Captain Marvel of verbal candor who wants to win an argument, no matter what the consequences. Being able to use verbal firepower to establish my way of right thinking is is important over anything else. - Create Relationships Before You Try to Change Opinions. A good rule is not to engage in conflict with a person you don’t know well. Take the time to get to know who they are, what’s important to them, and the context of their lives before you take them on.
Ask Questions and Exchange Ideas. The only real way to get someone to change their point of view is to create an environment where they can. The best way to do that is to ask questions.- What do you want the outcome to be from the position you’re espousing?
- Do you have examples of success using your approach?
- Have you considered alternate ways to go about this?
- Do we have a consensus for your approach?
- What will the fallout be from what you’re advocating?
- Involve Team Members Who Everyone Respects in the Conflict. Unfortunately at times the key decision maker will not go against a loud, opinionated voce. Now is the time to put together a group who can make a definitive decision. One of the most negative things is for important decisions to remain in uncertainty. The longer key positions remain in uncertainty, the more immobilized an organization becomes. Getting to a working consensus is key to moving forward.
- Shine a Light on Toxicity. Sometimes there are people in the organization who unfortunately benefit from situations that are ambiguous and toxic. There are people where the toxicity of what they’re doing is an end in itself and has to end. At this point organization must shine a light on the organization and how it’s working. The Delta 360-degree assessment brings the power of structured feedback to highlight the strengths of team members and to shine a light on toxicity. It brings the clarity of truth out of the ambiguity of toxic behaviors to enable teams to function, collaborate and engage in passionate differences of opinion constructively.
Captain Marvel and superheroes is an enduring and fun way to see ourselves in a world we wish would be black and white, flying in the save the day. I have been the verbal Captain Marvel and won the day with what I describe as my black belt in verbal assault. I can’t remember the time, however, when I won the day in dealing with a group. These tips can help you to truly be a hero that nobody may ever see, but will take the group through dark alleys into the bright light of success.
